Perfect Moments

[Firepaw]

   “The moon is full… Much fuller than it ever has been around here.” An famine voice speaks into the brightest of night standing at a covered window to where only it’s sky blue eye were seen through a crack of the window. The eyes shut then opens again still staring at the moon,
 
 “Come now… Staring at the moon won’t help it get any bigger…” A manlier voice speaks as lime green eyes were behind the blue eyes. Once the blue eyes turned around to look at the green eyes there was a click, ‘lights’ A bright glare causes the two to close their eyes then reopen them. The blue eyes were on a female body with a lot of woman features. D size breast and wide hips that looked as a watermelon turned upright as the green eyes were on a male body with buff male features.  Once the two walked towards each other he looked to be around six foot and she looked to be half shorter than him. Lifting up his arms to wrap around her neck as she curls her arms to hold against him while resting her head on his chest,

   “…But it has gotten bigger.. Now that I have you in my life, everything is complete.” Her voice was as sweet as strawberries and calm as spring winds in a field.

“Heh… That’s my line…” He chuckles releasing her neck to put his hands on her shoulder before taking his left hand to lift up her muzzle chin with his index finger while rubbing his thumb against her lips gently, “The moon isn’t big enough to show how much I love you.” He leans closer falling deeper into her eyes, “I love your eye.”

“Oh stop it; there is nothing special about my eyes.” She blushes and looks away slightly before
looking back into his lime green eyes.

“There are many things special about your eyes. They are so beautiful that you make the sky look like a picture taken of your eyes.” He pauses seeing her struggle a bit, “Heh, your eyes tell me that everything is going to be wonderful. When the weather is bad, seeing you make it a brighter day.” His voice got deeper  as he moves his face closer towards hers. Her gaze was staring at him with her lips parted barely.

“I promise to protect you… and him, this I promise.” He says leaning in more to where their lips were only two inches away, biting his bottom lip then erases space between their lips. The kiss was long, deep, and passionate as he big hands scaled down her shoulders to her belly. Once over her belly there was a kick which ended their kissing and they both giggled.

“He is happy, hehe.” She says with a soft giggle as the male nods and walks her backwards; she turns around to face the covered window inside his arms peeking out of it.

The male grabs the curtains that covered the window and pulls them apart as the moon shinned into the window with a large scale. Her eyes widen when she saw how close the moon was.

 “I told you… The moon isn’t big enough to show how much I love you.” He says in a whisper into her fox ears. The male rest his chin between her ears as they lean to the side. His arms wrapped around her belly with his fingers locked together. She leans into his body closing her eyes feeling his warmth and the gentle beat of his heart against her shoulder blade, resting her arms over his and locking her  fingers over his to keep his hold over her.

“Let’s stay like this… Forever” She asks him, her voice cracked with sniffing and whining softly as if she was about to cry.

His grip tightens, “Forever…” He closes his eyes

                                                   
[ Please tell me what you think, and if there is something that needs to be edited.]

[sushikitten]

Ok.

Well, firstly, the story itself ain't too bad. It's simple, straightforward, maybe a little mushy but hey, no judging here. As a vignette or writing exercise the basic premise is fine.

The problem is that your story needs to be read 8 billion times to figure out what the heck actually is going on. This story is actually better than your other stories in terms of readability but it still needs work.

I've commented on your stories before, and I have always said the exact same thing. READ IT OUT LOUD. I guaran-damn-tee you that this one simple step will eliminate most of the glaring errors here. And I can tell that you have not heeded even this one, simple, basic piece of advice. I get that you d rough drafts. I do. But the thing is you can't post something for people to read and then defend your errors by saying that you don't have anyone to point out your mistakes. You do. It's you.

The mind-boggling thing is, I've read your other posts and I you can obviously write when you are posting in threads. I had assumed that English was your second language to be quite honest. Maybe it is. I don't know.

Listen man, I love to read and I love to write and I love to critique and help other writers. I would love to help you. I just can't justify wasting my time when you have failed to take even the ONE piece of advice I have given you. I'm not telling you to read it out loud for fun or to waste time. Every writer does it. We skip over things and fill things in in our heads, but the reader WILL NOT do this.

Let's take the first paragraph.

   “The moon is full… Much fuller than it ever has been around here.” An famine voice speaks into the brightest of night standing at a covered window to where only it’s sky blue eye were seen through a crack of the window. The eyes shut then opens again still staring at the moon,

Ok, first off. An famine voice. I get it, a spellchecker could autocorrect a misspelled "feminine" into "famine" but if you read this aloud, or even proofread it silently, you would spot and fix this right away. I will be honest. If I was reading this, and got to "an famine", I would stop reading right away.  I only continued because I wanted to critique the story (and I wouldn't have except that you specifically asked for critique). This story has a bunch of views and no response (except mine) so others must feel the same way.

I am very forgiving to amateur/just-for-fun type writers, I truly am. The thing is, they generally want to improve. This may sound harsh, but it seems like you haven't shown that you're taking any steps towards improving.

My challenge for you - do as I suggested. Print out a copy of this story and read it aloud. Every time you come to some sentence that just sounds weird or unnatural, circle it. When you're done, fix it. Post the fixed version in this thread (don't just edit the one above, we want to see the differences). Then we can work on some real critique.

I will not rewrite your stories for you but I will show you how to edit them yourself and become a better writer in the process.